[Codo]

I saw too many gardens which are "tamed nature"

Since I use my garden to grow food, I have to tame it a bit. I try not to work against nature, though.
You can actually attract and support more insects and birds when you artifically increase the garden's biodiversity.

Das Gegenteil der Heiligen sind nicht die Sünder, sondern die Scheinheiligen. - Glenn Close

[Codo]

The only thing you've lost when you get rejected is a man who doesn't want to be with you.

[Codo]

Selbst wenn man betrogen und verletzt wird, ist der wahre Verlierer derjenige, der nicht vertrauen kann, daher andere zum Selbstschutz verletzt und damit (Ironie-Alarm) damit das Vertrauen der anderen in IHN zerstört.
Und all das manchmal sogar nur aufgrund EINGEBILDETER Risiken, ohne dass es in der Realität auch nur ein einziges Indiz dafür gab.
Solche Menschen sind dazu verdammt, niemals echte emotionale Intimität zu erfahren.

[DJ Full]

^ I'd say trust in yourself should be equal or greater than trust in the others.
Like WorldFarView and LevelFarView. That should reduce a lot of clipping.

[Codo]

If that's true, I have a serious problem. My judgment has become so flawed that I don't trust myself anylonger.
I convinced myself to believe things that I was absolutely certain about it. In hindsight I don't even understand why I was so sure about my conclusions.
I really believed (among many other things) that cars were strategically parked in my street or in front of the lab window to observe me, and coded messages were left for me on the blackboard in the public lobby.
Help, what have I become? I used to have a good bullshit radar, and now I'm bullshitting myself into believing things.

It's a horrible feeling when you know you can't trust yourself. I'm an overthinker and worrier by default, but now that I'm so painfully aware of my flawed brain, I fell into overthinking and anxiety limbo.
But what can I do about it? I only have this one brain. I have no other choice but trust my flawed "intuition", and live with the mistakes that I make.
I guess I have to be practical about it, especially with the stalking. Since I don't have any evidence, there's nothing I could do about it anyway. And if it doesn't affect my real life, it should also not affect my thoughts, feelings and actions.

[DJ Full]

I convinced myself to believe things that I was absolutely certain about it.

I was religious for 20 years, in 2010 my faith was so strong that if you put a gun against my head and requested me to deny god, I would tell you to shoot. You aren't really different from what people do. Let's be glad you woke up unlike them.

I really believed (among many other things) that cars were strategically parked in my street or in front of the lab window to observe me

The Killer Cars come to mind... but yes, that can be annoying. I had a window in front of an office building, everytime I turned on the light I knew anything I do was visible for these guys - even though it was very unlikely anybody ever watched. I know how annoying this is, but I just closed the curtains and tried to ignore that.

and coded messages were left for me on the blackboard in the public lobby.

Hah. I remember I had a compulsion to approach the corkboard in our school and use the free pins to draw constellations. I always wondered if someone will recognize them. In any case, out of 99 random arrangements 1 might be intentional and valuable, but not necessarily for you, and not necessarily a threat - sometimes messages are just messages. You can try to decode anything what attracts your attention and not worry too much.

Help, what have I become? I used to have a good bullshit radar, and now I'm bullshitting myself into believing things.

From what I noticed you're getting better. Was I wrong?

now that I'm so painfully aware of my flawed brain, I fell into overthinking and anxiety limbo

This is the same place where I am now, so I cannot tell what will follow. But I just try to do what I'm supposed to. It's good to occupy the brain with something more so it doesn't have time to worry. It's hard but possible. And much easier if there's a deadline

I guess I have to be practical about it, especially with the stalking. Since I don't have any evidence, there's nothing I could do about it anyway.

Oh yes, you can. No matter if there's any stalker or if there is none, act like if there is none. IF there's none, you will get used to ignoring him, in fact ignoring your fear. IF there is some, he will notice you don't care and he'll make that one step closer which will give you the evidence you need. Either case, ignoring is the way so at least there should be no dilemma.

[Codo]

From what I noticed you're getting better. Was I wrong?

No. Occationally I relapse, but I've found ways to deal with it. I realized that my thoughts and feelings are absolutely meaningless. Things will happen either way.

The Killer Cars come to mind

The thing is, occationally I'm dead right. I have a reputation for having keen observation skills. If I knew I was wrong about everything, it would be much more easier for me to break this thought pattern.
For example, there were some suspicious cars in our village, which I pointed out, but I was brushed off as paranoid. And later there was an attempted burglary. So it's likely that the cars belonged to burglars who were spying for good places to raid.
But once you are adapted to seeing hidden patterns and accepting unlikely possibilites (or what is generally perceived as such) as an explanation, you see them EVERYWHERE. There is a very fine line between this kind of open-minded/intuitive reasoning and paranoia/delusions. And I crossed this line more than once.
I should give it up and go back to strictly evidence based reasoning, for the sake of my own sanity and happiness.

But I just try to do what I'm supposed to. It's good to occupy the brain with something more so it doesn't have time to worry. It's hard but possible. And much easier if there's a deadline

That's what I'm trying to do. And I'm over the deadline, while this shit is still going in endless circles, so I'm trying to go back to a normal life. It never REALLY happened anyway.
It was stupid to adjust my real life choices around things that only happened on the internet and/or in my head.

[DJ Full]

I realized that my thoughts and feelings are absolutely meaningless.

Because you must turn them into something - this is how meaning is born and transferred. And I have seen some of your thoughts turned into something what meant a lot. Maybe not for the planet, maybe just for me, but I'm getting more and more convinced it's all a matter of scaling and you can set the goal to any scale you want. In any of these scales, it's processing the thought what matters, not the thought itself. It's all fine, this is how it is supposed to work.

there were some suspicious cars in our village, which I pointed out, but I was brushed off as paranoid. And later there was an attempted burglary.

R.I.P. the stolen goodies, let's pity the people who didn't believe you and hope they have realized their mistake, hehe

once you are adapted to seeing hidden patterns and accepting unlikely possibilites as an explanation, you see them EVERYWHERE. There is a very fine line between this kind of open-minded/intuitive reasoning and paranoia/delusions.

I've been there. I think the problem is not opening mind to unlikely possibilities but closing it to likely ones.

I'm trying to go back to a normal life. It never REALLY happened anyway.

Is it supposed to? I have never seen a normal life. I don't think you need one, I think you need some peace and that's it.

It was stupid to adjust my real life choices around things that only happened on the internet and/or in my head.

Just a reminder: internet and head are parts of real life. Truth and delusion exists in them like everywhere. Don't blame yourself for basing your choice on them, of course as long as that choice was correct. Otherwise take a lesson.

[Codo]

Because you must turn them into something - this is how meaning is born and transferred.

Very true, especially for anger. My therapist told me that anger is a valid feeling, but you have to use it in the right way.
It's an indicator of high distress/mental pain, and that things need change. Trying to ignore it makes it worse.
But if the change is not up to you, and you can't use the anger as fuel for transformation, it multiplies until it becomes a destructive force.

Nothing I said or did could change anything. I could spend hours writing down advice, critique, concerns, feelings, thoughts, sadness, confusion, disgust, anger, it NEVER mattered at all.
Things just got worse each and every time. Each word I wrote down was a complete waste of time and energy.
I was ignored and kept in the shadows. I was even told to stop whining and bitching, which made me even more angry.
And that things were always even much worse than I predicted with my already highly cynical brain, wasn't really helpful for my attempts of becoming a less cynical person.

I had only one option of transformation: Walking away from the situation. But I wanted to hold on to vague hints and hopes, and so I trapped myself, until it nearly destroyed me.
I should have known that this situation was highly toxic for a HSP, hardcore thinker and anxious person like me. I thought I was strong enough to hold myself together. But I wasn't.
I found it way easier to deal with bullies, narcissists and assholes. Bad people being bad, Whatever.
But when people who are neither completely good or bad, generally mean no harm but do toxic and abusive things out of ignorance, fear, false priorities and loyalties, and when their actions don't reflects their words and what they claim to feel, even repeatedly lie to you (which is not only highly disrespectful and hurtful, but also shows how little they think of your intelligence), it can drive you insane, because you have no idea how you should think and feel about them.

R.I.P. the stolen goodies

Nothing was stolen, but a door was damaged. Since that incident, there wasn't another attempt.

Let's pity the people who didn't believe you and hope they have realized their mistake, hehe

They still don't believe me. I made the right observation, but came to the wrong conclusion that they were stalking ME.
So the reaction was "See, you were WRONG. They were looking for houses to raid, not for you."
*sigh*

Don't blame yourself for basing your choice on them, of course as long as that choice was correct.

Spending YEARS idling, hoping, waiting, turning people and job offers down, just because of vague hopes on the internet?
That was stupid. And were my observations correct? I still don't know for sure. I still could have made all this up, as my friends say. But I have to stop thinking about it.
I brooded over this problem for years now, and I have to let it go and start enjoying life again. REAL life.

[DJ Full]

when their actions don't reflects their words you have no idea how you should think about them

Sounds like they also don't know what to think. Sounds like they believe in their lies.
I did things unlike I wanted. I said words I didn't mean. Usually when I subdued to hope or panic.
Humans evolved a society filled with destructive rules and false conclusions, hard to fight when they surround us.
If that's the reason, humans are to blame... but not people, including you.
If you don't know what to think, it helps to expect anything.

They still don't believe me.

That's their problem not yours.